Rae Lewis Thornton

Monday Reflection: Living With Addiction ...

This piece originally appeared in Rae's blog, Diva Living With AIDS .

When I heard about Amy Winehouse's death the first thing that crossed my mind, is that you die how you live. It's a sad but true reality and it's not just about drug and alcohol addiction but anything that has a hold on you, and that thing dictates your life.

I understand addiction. My mother and father were heroin addicts and my step-grandmother who raised me, was an alcoholic. My father died a violent death when I was about three years old and my mother used for half of her life. She was clean for over 20 years, to start using again. When I went to see her on her death bed, I almost fainted when the doctor told me that she was on Methadone; and all this time I thought she was clean.

But during those years of being clean, she never got help for the thing that started her addiction. She was a tormented soul and using again was inevitable.

And my step-grandmother didn't stop drinking until the alcohol started to burn the cancerous tumor in her mouth. And she was the mean ass in death that she had been my entire life. It didn't matter that I was the only one caring for her, Mama would cuss me out in the hospital room like I was a bitch on the street.

What I learned half way through my life is that addiction is a sickness that affects everyone that comes in contact with it. This was further confirmed after living with an addict, the love of my life. I began to understand this sickness in a way that I never had. The chaos it created daily, wondering if when he walked out of that door would he make it to his intended destination, or to that corner of the world where he used.

That sent me to Al-Anon. I knew I was out of my league. I instinctively knew that if I didn't get help for myself, that his addiction would kill me as sure as I got to die.

STOP! I can't believe I told all that ... Little nervous here. Go on and gossip, but don't bring that shit to my face. Just Sayin!!! It's interesting, when I first started this post it was about putting your demons in check. But God seems to be leading me in another direction. So this post is for everyone who loves someone who has an addiction. Just some insights that I hope are helpful.

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